I participated in a discussion recently that consisted of many “Maybe they meant…” statements. We were trying to second guess what a third party had been trying to say. The woman had asked questions that didn’t make sense to us. She had acted as though what my friend said earlier didn’t make sense to her. We confused ourselves trying to figure out what she was thinking. It all sounded like nonsense after awhile, and we talked ourselves into a corner, not knowing where to begin untangling the mess. Finally, we calmed down and slowed down. We walked away and took some time to think about other things. And then we began doing something that led us to a plan of action. Using this surprisingly easy tool, we figured out how to peel away the layers of nonsense and cloudiness, and came up with a clear message, so my friend could get the conversation back on track next time she talked with the woman.
What was our newfound key to busting out of nonsensical thinking? Questions. We started asking ourselves and each other questions. We asked all the questions we could think of, without filtering them for reason and sensibleness. Here are some of the questions we asked:
- What was she trying to say? What could she have been trying to say?
- When did she start saying that?
- How did she phrase it?
- Who else is involved? Could that person have put a spin on it she wouldn’t normally put on it?
- What is the main concern for all of us?
- What is her motivation?
- What is our motivation?
- What day is this conclusion due?
- What will happen if we don’t sort this out by then?
- What other situations have we been in that are like this situation? How did we sort those situations out?
- What matters most to me? What matters most to her?
- How would someone we admire sort this out?
- What’s the first step?
- What will it look like when we get it sorted out?
Sometimes you can break through the nonsense with nonsense…or what seems like nonsense. Unhook your brain and start getting crazy as you talk about your situation. Let’s say you can’t figure out what information your attorney needs to file a suit against a neighbor for damaging a fence. You are afraid you will forget something important to prove your neighbor’s liability.
As you sit down and make a list of information the lawyer needs to know, push your brain. For now, include crazy things: the fence is brown, there’s an anthill at the bottom of the north post, it’s difficult to cut the grass against the fence without damaging it with the weekwhacker, your son hung a water balloon target on the fence during spring break, a board came loose last year and your neighbor fixed it from his side because his dog was getting out, the supports for the fence are on the neighbor’s side, etc.
Allowing your mind to wander through all kinds of seemingly unimportant, crazy facts about the fence could lead you to important information you hadn’t thought of. Knowing your son hung a target on the fence during spring break could help you remember when the fence was damaged. Recalling that the neighbor fixed the fence could show he took responsibility for it then, and make a good case that he should take responsibility for it now. The difficulty you have cutting the grass on your side could explain why the neighbor got so close to the fence with his riding mower and pushed the fence down accidentally. You get the idea.
Ideas can be slippery little devils, and sometimes you need to use creative methods to coax them into submission.
